


Guilt

by lelamarie



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 11:26:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11035230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lelamarie/pseuds/lelamarie
Summary: This is my take on the guilt Bellamy will undoubtedly feel over leaving Clarke.  It is a conversation I would like to see between Abby and Bellamy sometime during season 5.  This is mostly canon but the prisoner convoy is mostly ignored.





	Guilt

Bellamy had been back on earth for almost two weeks. 

In that time Dr. Griffin had been watching him.  He was sure of it.  So far due to the work load, he had managed to avoid her but it was only a matter of time before she cornered him for the talk that he really didn't want to have.

He was pretty sure he knew what it was going to be about.

It was probably no less than what he deserved for abandoning her daughter and failing at the only thing that she had ever truly asked of him.

To take care of her daughter.

To take care of Clarke.

He'd meant it wholeheartedly when he made that promise but in the end he to save himself. He left her to die.

Alone.

It had been a huge shock to realize Clarke had survived.  That the nightblood had actually worked. It was then that the guilt came crashing down tenfold when he thought about her being alone for over six years.

Then came the even more surprising news that she hadn't been alone after all.

It eased the guilt a little but not much.  It was just another reminder of something he had failed to do for someone he loved.

He did love Clarke.  He realized it now.  He realized it before that rocket had even left the atmosphere.  He realized it again when they thought they were dead anyway, unable to enter the Ark although miraculously Clarke had still managed to save them again.  

He'll, he'd been realizing it ever damn day for the last six years...

And now as he watched her care for Madi and reunited with her friends, smiling and happy despite the work, it still wasn't the right time to tell her.  

Maybe it never would be.

The nightmares had resumed shortly after that.  He would wake up covered in cold sweat, throat parched, dreaming that he was being burned alive all the while screaming with no sound as a result of the air that was so hot he couldn't breathe.

This would have been what it felt like as she died. He realized with horror.  The fire blistering her alabaster skin and sucking the air out of her lungs.  Her beautiful blond waves singed to black dust.  Her beautiful eyes, bluer than the ocean glowing red and swollen  as they reflected Praimfyre and the certainty of death.

He had dreamed the same dream over and over for the first year in space and no one was any the wiser everyone wrapped up maintaining the life support systems, food, water and salvaging any useful items from the other parts of the Ring.  The dreams lessened after that but never truly went away.

At one point it had gotten so bad that sometimes he would see her when he was awake.  Looking at him with her scarred, blistered face reaching out for him.  

 

Telling him that she forgave him. 

Telling him he made the only choice. 

He laughed bitterly.  An oxymoron, the only choice.

There was no other choice.  Just like there was no going back.  It was in the past and now he had to deal with the consequences.

Although they hadn't discussed the separation in depth, it appeared she bore him no ill will, but then she wasn't the only Griffin woman he had to make peace with.

~~~~~

Abby hadn't batted an eyelash when she first heard that Clarke had been left alone at Becca's lab.  She hugged her daughter tightly and wept when they had first been reunited.

She had hugged each of them in turn when they finally made it back to earth.  Bellamy, Raven, Monty, Harper.  She even hugged Murphy who ducked his head, ears red in embarassment.

She had watched how Clarke and Bellamy fell into old patterns of watching each other when they thought the other wasn't looking.

She watched how Clarke was gentle and mothering over Madi.  How Bellamy watched them both with regret in his eyes and tension in his shoulders.

Sometimes she would catch him staring at her daughter and see him ball his hands into fists as his breathing quickened.  He would clench his jaw and close his eyes in an effort to calm his breathing.

When he would finally open his eyes he would glance around quickly see if anyone had noticed his momentary loss of control.

He had been startled when he had locked eyes with her, dropping his gaze quickly cheeks faintly flushed but not before she saw his guilt and shame reflected back at her.

He tried to avoid her afterwards, that much she knew.  She was a Griffin.  There would be no avoiding her.

She finally cornered him two days later.  It was well after midnight and Bellamy, unable to sleep, was in the armory cleaning the weapons and getting them ready for the hunting and scavenging party that would go out in the morning.  

Bellamy cringed inwardly with a sigh when he glanced up and saw Abby standing in the doorway.  

Here it comes, he thought grimly as he squared his shoulders waiting for her well deserved anger to be unleashed.

Abby paused before walking silently across the floor and taking a seat in front of him with some trepidation.  She didn't want to add to his guilt.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?"  She asked quietly one eyebrow raised reminding Bellamy of Clarke for a moment.

"I'm just getting ready for tomorrow"  he answered, dropping his gaze, hands never faltering in his task.

"I think we both know that's not entirely true." She refused to let him off the hook.

Bellamy paused momentarily, then, "No ma'am."

"Bellamy, don't do this to yourself..."

"Do what?" 

"Blame yourself for something you can't change." She leans forward demanding his full attention. 

His thin layer of control slowly starts to crumble,  "I made you a promise that I wasn't able to keep."  His choked voice rough in an attempt to hold back the tears that spill down his face despite his best efforts.

"I asked you to take care of each other.  You've both survived impossible odds.  Impossible choices.  Surviving was the most important thing."

Bellamy shook his head, taking a moment to wipe the tears from his cheeks. "But, I should have stayed..."

Abby grabbed Bellamy and gave him a firm shake, her own tears falling in sympathy.  
"Without the nightblood if you stayed you'd have been dead Bellamy.   Do you get that?!  There wasn't a good choice but you made the right one and I can't fault you for that and neither would Clarke!"

Bellamy took a deep breath as Abby continued on, "Stop blaming yourself.  We survived!  You're allowed to be happy..."  Her voice trailed off as a new thought struck her.

When she stopped speaking, Bellamy raised his eyes to find her staring at him.

"Have you told her How you feel?"

"Wh..what?" He sputtered at the sudden change in direction.

"Clarke."  Abby replied patiently.  "Have you told her how you feel?"

Rather than try to deny anything he just shook his head ruefully.  "It never seems to be the right time."  

Abby h'mmed and stood without comment as she took a couple of steps towards the door where she paused and turned.

"Its been seven years Bellamy"  she said with a wink, "I want grandkids before the next apocalypse."

"Yes ma'am"


End file.
